The Faust Questionnaire: Bizarro Author Tony Rauch

posted by MP Johnson

Have you heard of the Proust Questionnaire? This is the same thing, but a little more evil. Who cares about favorite colors anyway? Every Wednesday, Switchblade Comb will feature bands, authors, filmmakers and artists providing answers to much better questions. Starting things off is Twin Cities bizarro author Tony Rauch.

If you made a deal with the devil, what would you get out of it?

The deal would be that the devil turns into a nice old man who gives away various free ice cream products in the summer and free hot cocoa in the winter.

So I guess on the days that he’s in my neighborhood, I’d get free ice cream or hot cocoa, depending on the weather.

What would the devil get out of it?

Oh, my, but so many wonderful things –

  • a sense of social responsibility.
  • a warm feeling from helping others.
  • the knowledge that he did a good deed that day.
  • a stronger connection and bond to others in this world.
  •  some special new friends. Oh, my, you can never have enough special friends.
  • the responsibility of taking the fall for all my peeping tom activities.

What does your hell look like?

A lonely, barren, wind-swept desert where there is nothing to do. Just a flat, open plain of nothingness but sand, dust, and wind.

So pretty much like my life is right now, actually.

(did I die and people forgot to tell me? Do people just assume I know these things? No, really, am I a goner? Come on, man, stop holdin’ out on me. Really.)

What is your favorite sin? Why?

Of the seven deadly ones (also known as the Capitol Vices and the Cardinal Sins), the one I most enjoy is Lust. And by far. I mean it’s not even close, baby. Pride is a distant second, then Wrath, and I don’t even really care much at all about the other four.

Oh yeah, give me Lust any day, for I am a weak weak pathetic individual who should not be left unattended for any length of time whatsoever. Really, you should be checking in on me, like, every ten minutes.

Though I am trying to be more patient, as that is the Virtue opposite Wrath.

Of the Ten Commandments, the one that keeps kicking my ass all over the place is “keep holy the Sabbath day”, and then “you shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.” I need to put in a lot of time at getting better at both of those. Whoa, Nellie, let me tell ya. And they’re number 3 and 4 on the big list, so yeah, I’m in a lot of trouble over here. Yeah, things aren’t going to be pretty for me after I go.

What historical or contemporary figure would you choose to fight for your honor against the devil? Why?

Simplest question ever – either Shatner, Chuck Norris, or Droopy the cartoon character (a dog). The first two need no explanation. The Droopy reference may need some elaboration – Droopy moved slowly and lethargically, and spoke in a jowly monotone. I believe his slow nature would quickly wear down the patience and thus the resolve of virtually any and all hostile aggressors, whether they be contemporary, historical, mythological, and/or fictional.

Eyeballs Growing All Over Me …Again, Tony Rauch’s latest collection of short stories, is out now. He’s got a new one coming out in the next few months: As I Floated in the Jar. Support local writers.

Wednesday, February 8th, 2012 at 12:00 pm